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My Mother - Forgiven


An Adult Child of an Alcoholic Story.

This program also helped me and opened up my eyes why I carried so many resentments towards my late mother.  I can see clearly now what has happened.

My mother was an adult child of a sometimes violent alcoholic.  The alcoholic was her father.  My mother was child number five out of nine children.  She grew up under extreme poor circumstances.  All the kids were undernourished, and were left to practically raise themselves.  My mother’s mother had to clean houses from morning to night every day of the week except on Sundays.  She spent her free time in church in order to keep her own sanity.  There was never enough money or food.  Every week one older child stayed home, to take care of the younger ones.  They grew up with fried polenta morning, noon and night.  During the summer months the kids were sent to neighboring farms where they were properly fed so they could survive another school year.  The girls left school at age 13 and were sent to the nearby embroidery factory to earn money, so the boys, four of them could learn a profession.  Anyway, these circumstances had of course a tremendous impact on all the kids and some of my mother’s character defects were naturally passed on to me.  I really understand it now and I have come to terms with it.

My mother was a beautiful, proud and good person.  Everything she did, she did with pride and joy actually.  She took excellent care of herself – always presented herself well, kept her good figure all her life, she kept an immaculate home and her pride and joy was her garden.  It was a show piece in the neighborhood.  She had a beautiful voice and could sing like a lark.  She was a good wife and a good mother.  However, here is what I have learned from this program, only my father and I knew who my mother really was.  The outside world really had no clue; she always portrayed herself as a total different person to other people.  Nobody ever knew how really dependent she was on my father,  her shame, her guilt, her regrets, her anger, her envy of others, her inability to trust and love herself, her resentments , her indecisiveness,  all these defects that she carried around with her made her a very insecure and frightened woman.  Those “Protectors” also known as “Survival Tools” she wasn’t able to work through them, she didn’t know about Al-Anon.  My mom could not give us true love, true trust, because she didn’t and couldn’t love and trust herself.  She couldn’t hold on to true friendships, because she didn’t trust and love herself.   She respected my father, she looked up to him, was his friend, companion, and his servant.  She told me this right after his funeral and I about fell out of my chair.  I wasn’t able to understand and comprehend what she meant, and this was in 1982, I wasn’t baked myself yet.  After my fathers demise – my mother was not capable to take proper care of herself, her house, she could not make decisions; she was unable to take on the responsibilities of life.  She never had been on her own, she was always taken care of by my father and through the years she had refused to learn about bills, banking and problem solving things.  So she did the next best thing, she slowly but surely gave up and actually ended up in a psychiatric clinic for the last 5 years of her life.  We, my husband and I had offered her to come live with us, but she didn’t want to leave her home town and all the acquaintances and family members she still had.  I was so disappointed and hurt, I didn’t understand her at all, she had a beautiful home, my father had left her with a wonderful pension, she had no financial worries and still she just could not cope with life on her own.  It never even occurred to me that she suffered from co-dependency, simply because I had no idea about that either.  Wow, so I finally figured out those “Protectors” “Survival tools” got the best of her – not being able to ever make a decision, having no self-esteem, not being able to trust, not having enough faith in herself, no self-love etc.  In one of the processes that I went through in a workshop/seminar and the help of the Al-Anon’s 12 Steps, I was actually able to let go of all the resentments I had carried around in me and make peace.  I have forgiven my Mother for having given up on her-self; I only remember the really good and fun memories of her. I love my mother and always will.  She is my angel now.
 

 

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